Late Night Musings
by Rockbird
Summary: Kerry Weaver's thoughts on an old saying.


Title:Late Night Musings

Rating: PG

Author's Notes: Found this in an old notebook when I was clearing out my notebook. Judging by how hard it was to read, I was probably writing it on the bus, going to or coming from school. I think it was meant to be the start of something, a romance maybe, but unless I can figure out exactly where I was going with this, I may leave it as is.

Reviews: Please. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or Kerry Weaver, and I'm not making any money off of this, just having a bit of fun.

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Unlucky at cards and lucky in love, or so the saying goes. I've always been a fair poker player, and I guess I've proved the saying's converse to be true. My love life. Hah. For years I didn't have one, too busy, or no one could see past the obvious downsides a relationship with me would entail. Especially back in high school. God, upperclassmen can be cruel. They left me alone in college though, for that, I'm grateful. And then, after my parents died, during the summer after my sophomore year, I had to go back, figure out who I was and what I was doing with my life. Why I was taking pre med courses. Why I wasn't in liberal arts like most of the other women. 

I sank pretty low that summer, in a land of blazing sun. Home. Or was it? Where was home, and who was my family? Kenya. A beautiful place. It has always brought out the best in me, or the worst. Extremes, but then again, it's always one or the other with me, just more so there.

I thought I might find the answer to life's problems at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Or a vodka bottle. He pulled me out of that though, before I could cross the line into alcoholism. I think that's why I fell in love with him, with Mlungisi. He was a good man, always surprising me, making me laugh, making me smile. Keeping me distracted, keeping me from thinking too much. The things that happened when I was left alone with my thoughts for too long... Well, he knew just how dark it could get in the recesses of my mind. He protected me, and for a time, I needed that.

We stayed in touch, all through college, and med school, through my internship and residency, he kept me grounded, he kept me floating, he kept me from doing anything stupid. Saved me from myself. Not hard to fall in love with someone like that. Or at least with the idea of them.

Letters, phone calls, visits whenever we could. I spent all my breaks through college and med school at his farm. All my sick days and vacation time from my residency were used up doing work at clinics in Africa, partly to help, and partly so I could be with him. I learned a lot about myself, and about him, and about life. I learned how to keep myself afloat, with support or without it.

He came to see me, my first Christmas at County, completely unannounced. I was chief resident, he was a farmer. That Christmas, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. He asked when I could move to Kenya, back to the farm. I called off the engagement. I wasn't leaving. I loved Africa, and still do, but wasn't leaving America, not giving up my career, all the time I had put into getting where I was, to be a proper wife and bear a dozen children. Maybe some day family would be part of the picture, but not untill my feet were more firmly planted. I never saw him again.

About a week later, I got a call from an old friend from Mount Sinai. A surgical resident who'd admitted to having a crush on me. I asked him out, needed my little escape. Three weeks later, on our way to New York City for a weekend, we detoured to Los Vegas and got married. Only Jeanie heard about that, thank God, and the good friend that she was, she never told a soul. About six months later, I divorced him after he hit me during an arguement. It was only once, but I wasn't going to let it happen again. That I proceeded to break his arm with my crutch in retalliation was irrelevent, he provoked me, and he deserved it. The divorce was not amicable.

I might not have been so irritable at work if that hadn't been going on, or if I had someone to talk to, vent with, or at. That time, I couldn't burden Jeanie with it, she had problems of her own. She knew I was married, knew I was divorced, that was it, end of story. Not why, not how stupid I felt after that, none of it. She thought it was amicable. Once everything was finalized, I never saw him again.

Ellis West? I remember him well. That bastard. He manipulated me. Cost me what little respect my colleagues had for me at the time, though that wasn't saying much. It was more the part where I didn't see it coming that upset me than the situation it created at work. Though that wasn't much fun either. I broke up with him in the ER. He spoke to me at my car. To this day, I don't know why he said what he did, or how much of it he meant, but either way, it was for the best that that relationship ended. Being around him always made me feel so foolish, even before things got complicated. Unfortunatly, I did see him again, three years later, at a cost containment conference in Los Vegas, a city I should really avoid.

Kimberly Legaspi was a beautiful woman who turned my world up side down and asked for everything in return. I gave it to her, but too slowly. She broke my heart. Damn her. Thank God for her. I don't know how I should feel about that one. Maybe just confused. That's how I was for a long time. She left a lot of questions unanswered and made me ask several new ones. When last I heard, she was doing well. I'm not so sure I want to see her again.

Cassandra Lopez was a beautiful woman. I thought just this once, love wouldn't screw me over, things would go right. No such luck. Things were rocky with her, and she did some things I wish she hadn't. Like outing me in the middle of my ER. That was awkward. To say the very least. And yet we got back together. Things were never easy, but when was love ever easy for anyone?I thought we'd gotten it right, and then she was gone. The emptiness that left was proof enough that we had gotten it right. I would give anything to see her again.

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